Okay, anyone who has tried to eat a pomegranate knows how freaking obnoxious they are to open. So, I have posted, for your delicious sweet-yet-tart pleasure, my tried and true pomegranate unlocking method.

1. Grab a standard wooden cutting board and paring knife.
2. The cutting board must be wooden, or this really won't work.
3. Seriously, don't try to do this without a WOODEN cutting board.
4. Find a bowl and fill it with water from the springs of Mianus, CT. If you are not fortunate enough to venture to Mianus, distilled water will do, but will not be as effective.
5. Place the pomegranate in the water to soak overnight. This will soften the peel.
6. Place the pomegranate, nubbin-stem-side-up, on the cutting board.
7. Get a 34-inch rolling pin.
8. The rolling pin must be EXACTLY 34 inches, or this really won't work.
9. Find a ruler.
10. Measure the pomegranate to find the point of the nubbin-stem-side that is exactly in the center of the very top of the pomegranate, without moving the pomegranate, which is still sitting nubbin-stem-side-up on the cutting board.
11. Grab a black Sharpie brand permanent marker.
12. The marker must be black and Sharpie brand, or this really won't work.
13. Measure the pomegranate to find the magic point again, just to be sure.
14. Mark the magic point with the black Sharpie brand marker with a perfect circle exactly the size of the period at the end of this sentence.
15. If you screw up step twelve, sorry, but you're going to have to start over. Sacrifice your unclean pomegranate to the Ancient Egyptian Goddess of your choice and find a new one.
16. Locate a meat tenderizer. Put it aside for later.
17. Flip the pomegranate upside-down, using only your left elbow.
18. If the pomegranate leaves the cutting board, it is unclean. Sacrifice it to the Ancient Egyptian Goddess of your choice and find a new one, repeating steps 1-14, with the exception of steps 3 and 9.
19. Draw an anatomically correct human being, with the magic point you previously drew as its belly button, riding a narwhal through the invisible ice caps of Czechoslovakia.
20. Grab a 9.13124457-inch cake pan.
21. You guessed it; if the measurements are off, you just lost The Game.
22. Find your mother.
23. If your mother is dead or unavailable, hire an illegally trafficked slave worker.
24. Hand the pomegranate to your mother and ask her to open it for you.
25. Have some julimagination.